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第8章意犹未尽的思念(8)
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Idon'tthinkIwillbewritiersmanymoreyearsandIwishyouwouldreadthislettertwice—bitterasitmayseeYouwillrejeow,butatalaterperiodsomeofitmayebacktoyouastruth.WhenI'mtalkingtoyou,youthinkofmeasanolderperson,an"authority",andwhenIspeakofmyownyouthwhatIsaybeesuoyou—fortheyoung'tbelieveihoftheirfathers.Butperhapsthislittlebitwillbeuaitinwriting.
WhenIwasyeIlivedwithagreatdreaThedreamgrewandIlearospeakofitaehedreamdividedonedaywheomarryyourmotherafterall,eventhoughIkneoiledanogoodtome.IwassorryimmediatelyIhadmarriedherbut,beihosedays,madethebestofitandgottoloveherinanotherway.Yougandftimewemadequitealotofhappiofourlives.ButIwasamandivided—shewaoworktoomuchforherandnotenoughformydreaSherealizedtoolatethatwnity,andtheonlydignity,aobywherself,butitwastoolateandshebrokeandisbrokenforever.
Itwastoolatealsoformetorecoupthedamage—Ihadspentmostofmyresources,spiritandmaterial,oIstruggledoillmyhealthcollapsed,andallIcaredaboutwasdrinkaing.
&akeImadewasmarryingher.Webeloodifferentworlds—shemighthavebeenhappywithakindsimplemaninasarden.Shedidn'thavethestrengthfstage—sometimesshepretended,aeifully,butshedidn'thaveit.Shewassoftwhensheshouldhavebeenhard,andhardwhensheshouldhavebeenyielding.Shey—she'spassedthatfailingontoyou.
FtimeIhatedhermhernothinginthelineofgoodhabit—nothingbut"gettingby"a.Iedtoseeagaininthishhtupasidlers.Andoneofmychiefdesiresiokeepythatkindofperson,sruintothemselvesandothers.Wheoshnsataboutfourteen,Iyselfwiththeideathatyouweretooprecocioussodastrictschoolwouldfixthings.ButsometimesIthinkthatidlersseemtobeaspecialnothingbeplanned,pleadasohthem—theironlytributiontothehumanfamilyistowarmaseatattheontable.
Myrefdaysareover,andifyouarethatwayIdon'twanttogeyou.ButIdon'twabyidlersinsidemyfamilyorout.Iwantmyenergiesandmyearningsforpeoplewhotalkmylanguage.
Ihavebeguyoudon't.Youdon'trealizethatwhatIamdoihelasttiredeffortofamanwhoonethiter.Thereisnoteny,orcallitmooyonewhoisdeadweightandIamangryafulinmysoulwheIamdoingthis.Peoplelike—andyourmothermustbecarriedbecausetheirillhemuseless.Butitisadifferentstorythatyouhavespenttwnousefulroviheryourbodynoryourmind,butreamsandreamsofdrearyletterstodrearypeople,withnopossibleobjectexceptobtaininginvitationswhichyouotaccept.Thoon,evenihatIknowyourwholetripnowisonelongwaitiislikeanoldgossipwhootstillhertongue.
Youhavereachedtheagewhenoneisofioanadultonlyinsofarasoohaveafuture.Themindofalittlechildisfasg,foritlooksonoldthingswithabouttwelvethisges.Theadolest,othing,saynothingthattheadultotdwithyouinBaltimore(andyouhavetoldHaroldthatIalterrid,bywhieaimesIwassoiohaveT.B.ortoretireiowrite,forIhadlittlesociallifeapartfromyou)represehertoodomestiebyyourmother'sillIeopHatsandTelephohedayyousdangschool,lesswilli...
Tosumup:Whatyouhavedoopleasemeormakemeproudispraegligiblesiimeyoumadeyooddiveratdnowyouaresofterthanyouhaveeverbeen).Inyourcareerasa"wildsocietygirl",vintageof1925,I'med.Idon'twantanyofit—itwouldboreme,likediningwiththeRitzBrothers.WhenIdonotfeelyoi;,yourpaodepressmeforthesillywasteandtrivialityiheotherhand,whenoallyIseesigentioninyou,thereisnopanyintheworldIprefer.Forthereisnodoubtthatyouhavesomethinginyourbelly,sustoforlife—arealdreamofyourown—aowedittosomethingsolidbeforeitwastoolate—asitwastoolateforyourmothertolearnanythiaroundtoit.OnyouspokeFrenchasachilditwasengwithyouroddbitsofknowledge—nowyourversationisasonplaceasifyou'dspewoyearsintheHollowHighSchool—whatyousawinLifeandreadinSexyRomances.
IshalleEastiyourboat—butthisletterisadethatIamerestedinyourpromissoryonlyinwhatIsee.IloveyoualwaysbutIamoedbypeoplewhothinkandworkasIdoanditisn'tlikelythatIshallgeatmyage.Whetheryouwill—orwaobeseen.
Daddy
&ro-Goldoration
&y,ia
July7,1938
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